were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
