We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
