he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
