my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
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whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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