I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
