literally had 100 drinks last night.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
