How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
