The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
