last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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