You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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