yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
