so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
