some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
