What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
