I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
