Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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