News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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