Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
