I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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