You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
