Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
