I'm going to jail i love you
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
