you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
