walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
