I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize