Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
