what if every blade of grass was a penis?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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