perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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