I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
