so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
