Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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