I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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