lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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