Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
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