We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
