My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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