literally had 100 drinks last night.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
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also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
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When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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