I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Randomize
