Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I see more hoeing in ur future
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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