the condom got lost in my hair
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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