so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
