I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
