KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
