he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
