What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
