seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
