I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My ATM looks so different sober.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
