guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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