i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
