I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
