i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
