i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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