I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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