I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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