why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
