he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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