i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
